me, do you know how to get to
(incredulously) What do you mean ďmaybeĒ? I could have said that ďmaybeĒ you know the answer! I asked you to find out for sure.
Well then, yes, I do.† But Iíve got to know why you want to know.
I donít Ďwant to knowí, I need to know!† Iíve got a date and Iím late.
A date huh?† A first date perhaps?
Itís none of your business, but it happens to be, yes.
I can tell.
The nerves and impeccable polish.† Youíre all dolled up.
Maybe Iím always dolled up.
And maybe you always lie through your teeth.
You donít even know me, and all ready youíre concluding Iím a liar?
Are you a woman?
I think you know the answer to that one
Then I know Iím right.
Joke, just a joke. Iím sure you look this good all the time.† By the way, Iím Ted.† (offers hand)
(shaking hands) April.
Nice to meet you April. OK, so the promised directions. You see that bright yellow sign down there a couple of blocks? Take† right, Mott is the second street on your left.
You better run, donít want to deny him even a minute of your company.
Right. OK.. well it was a pleasure to meet you Ted. See you around.
they walk away in opposite directions, first
(yells) Hey Ted! Who ever said it was a Ďhimí?† <smiles>
The following week
TED walks in, gets in line, recognizes her
(tapping her shoulder) April.
(turns, and take .5 second to catch up)† Oh hi, umm.. (stalls, knowing full well his name)
Of course, Ted, Iím sorry.
Sooo..† How did the date go?
Oh, well thatís a story
Well spill, sister.
Do you want the long or the short of it?† (
How about the medium.. or what do they call it here, grande?
No, no, no, long or short, there is no medium. All experiences are better either short or long. Medium is for wussies or runners.
Wussies or runners?
Ya.. you know, wussies are wimps and runners are people who pretend to want, or think they want the long version of something, but the minute they think theyíll actually get it..† poof!† Like Michael Johnson in Atlanta Ď96, except usually theyíre not wearing gold sneakers.
Ah.. Got ya.† Well.. (looks at watch) Iíve got 15 minutes before Iíve got to get back, how about the long version?
Good choice. (as they pick up their drinks and head to a table)
So he was nice enough. Polite, didnít seem to hold my tardiness against me. Cute, in that ďIím not into clothes, but I have my gay friend go shopping with me so I donít look like an idiotĒ way. And funny. Dry, cynical, with just the right hint of vermouth.
I feel really shallow saying thisÖ
(kid like) Ooooo..† (then very serious) <clears throat> I mean, go ahead.
Well, he had a really weak handshake. It was a cross between and dead fish and a beagle.
Yikes, yah, that does sound bad.
Youíre laughing at me.
No, not at all, I think that handshake quality is a very important indicator.† A litmus test of how someone views their place in the world. Whether theyíre waiting for the world to come to them, or whether theyíre walking up to the world and saying, ďHi world, Iíve heard all about you. Iím so and soĒ
OK, now Iím definitely laughing at YOU.
Iím sure I deserve it, for more reasons that you know. But this conversation isnít about me, back to this guy.† So his handshake killed the deal?
Well, then he had one glint of a scary stalker man moment. It was probably nothing, but he said he had left his briefcase at work and wondered if we couldnít stop by the office and pick it up after dinner
Oh boy.† Iíve got to remember that line, thatís a good one.† April, tell me you didnít fall for it!
At the time I didnít think anything of it, so we go up in the elevator, he gets the bag, and weíre on our way down. Heís looking at me and says ďthose are beautiful earringsĒ
See, I told you you were dolled up.
Whatever. <smiles>† But then he says, ďSorry, you probably thought that I was staring at you, but I was looking at your earrings. Not that youíre not worth starring at, youíre very beautiful actually. If thatís ok for me to say at this pointĒ
ďThis pointĒ? What the hell does that mean?
Thatís what I was thinking!
You give the compliment and then leave it at that. Donít qualify it or ask permission.
Right!† Kinda proves your theory and mine.
Well a qualified compliment is sort of like a medium compliment. Would have been better and bigger if he let it stand on itís own as a large.† Hence my theory, and as for your theory, weak handshake Ė crippled compliment. Thinks his actions need an explanation, as if they canít stand on their own.† Get some guts already! If I had a dime for every time a guy blew his chance toÖ
<cutting her off> April, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?
Restaurant interior, two at a table.
fairly dark, tea lights on the table
Nice restaurant, good choice.
How do you mean?
Canít you just take a compliment?
Of course, thank you. Now, how do you mean?
Well, I mean that itís nice without being showy. Homey without being hokey.
Oh, well then I will take that as a compliment.† Do you always analyze everything?
I tend to. I think a wise person once said, ďlook for meaning in everything in lifeĒ.
Who was that?
Cute, real cute.† Youíre like Buddha with a nice butt.
You sure do know how to compliment a woman.
strolling on Central Park Promenade
Look at how the light hits those buildings at just the right angle this time of day.. makes them look like theyíre glowing from inside.
Any specific reason that you havenít tried to kiss me yet?
Well.. Iíve been waiting for just the right moment with you.† Figured Iíd know it when it came.
You seem worth the wait.† But I have to admit that Iím getting a little worried that waiting this long has raised my expectations to a level that Iím not sure we can reach?
Why do you say that?
Iím not sure that any one could kiss that well
No faith, Ted.† No faith.† And what if we were that good?
Well, Iíd say that Iíd need to find a way to make money kissing you, because thereís no way Iíd ever get my work done with you around.
Only one way to find out.†
grabs TEDís head and kisses him softly>
<after a moments pause>
what if we made a living by giving kissing lessons, sort of a kissing seminar
3 weeks later, in bed.
How do you know that youíve found the right person
Oh, you heard me.. I mean, how do you know when to take the leap?
Ya, really put your heart into a relationshipÖ literally.† And then see where it leads.†
Why not just do that right from the beginning?† Life is short and all thatÖ
I guess, but the fear of pain is pretty scary too.. youíre right though, until you put emotional weight on the other person.. the only thing you really know for sure is their name. <chuckles>
Umm.. ya..† Uh.. Ted?
What do you say you and I give it a shot?† I mean really make a run of it?
Glad to see you hopping on the bus Iíve been on since the night we met.
Puleez, who do you thinkís been driving that bus. <smiles>
Well, then itís settled.† Sign me up.† OK.. so whatís the first step in this new direction?
First, I think we need to buy two new toothbrushes. One here for you here, and one for me at your place.
Then I think itís just a matter of doing what weíve been doing.† Speaking of which, letís get back to doing what we were doing.
Youíre such a romantic. I thought youíd never ask.
TED and his best friend from college HEATHER
walking on Broadway on the upper west side
So who is this mystery girl?
her name is April and I met her on the street in
You asked her out while she was on her way to date with another guy?
No! I saw her a few days later at Starbucks and it happened there after a little more witty banter.† She and I do a lot of that.
God yes, <kidding> but not as cute as you back in the day
<TED puts his arm around HEATHER>
You sure do know how to compliment a woman
You know me.. <kidding> always the playaí.
NANCY and her gay friend DAVID
in a bookstore on the same block
You read this yet? <holding up a book from the table>
Umm.. ya.. but youíre better off reading his last book, same type of thing, more concise.
<TED with arm around HEATHER strolls by the window>
That was Ted.
He just walked by the window with his arm around some girl!
Youíre kidding right?
Wow, what an asshole.† Two timing on someone as hot as you?† That shit ainít right.† Iíd stop taking his calls.
Hell ya, what?† You think itís his cousin or something?† No way! That guys a player. I knew it from day one.
Youíre probably totally right.† Ughh.. god, this sucks.† I was just starting to really put my hopes on this one. Shit.
TED <on cell phone>
Hello dollface, just calling to see what youíre up to and see if you wanted to have dinner later..† give me a call
6 hours later
TED <on cell phone>
<kidding around> hey? what?† Donít call me back anymore?† Or answer youíre phone apparently.. okÖ call me.
Late the next day
TED <on cell phone>
<low serious voice> This is Tom Johnson from
The following morning
TED <on cell phone>
OK, now youíre scaring me.† Seriously, call me back and let me know youíre alive.
NANCY and DAVID are having lunch at an outside restaurant
DAVID is in the restroom
TED is walking down the street, sees her
Hey! Where the hell have you been? Iíve been looking all over for you!
Hi Ted.† Iíve been busy.
Busy?† Iíve left you at least 4-5 voicemails, why didnít you call me back?
Oh did you?† I hadnít noticed that you called.
<DAVID walks back from the bathroom>
Hadnít noticed?! April, youíve had me worried!
Who are you?
Iím David, you must be Ted.
Who is this guy?
Not really any of your business is it?
April, youíre not making any sense
TED <shaking his head>
Misunderstanding?† So now I really know nothing about you. I didnít even know your real name!
Ya? Well I didnít know that you had other girls on the side. Each of them have a toothbrush at your place too?
What are you talking about?
I saw you all cozy with some other girl a few days ago. So why donít you just go to hell.
know what? Fine.
<TED walks briskly away>
<sigh> This sucks.
Ya.. but youíre better off.† Two timing loser.
The next year
I mean..† <stalls knowing full well her name>
My friend Judy is friends with the host, Betty.† You?
I used to work with Betty.
So how have you been?
Good.† You know, busy. Working and stuff.
Sure, stuff.. all those women and everything.
Ya, about that? Iím not sure how you ever got that idea.
Oh come on Ted, you had your arm around some brunette.
TED <just realizing>
Ohhhh!!!† That was Heather.
See.. told ya
No!! Sheís an old friend from college I hadnít seen in years, she was in town for a conference.† THATís who you thought I was messing around with?
UmmÖ <weakly>† yes?
No, no, no.† How about that David guy? Good in the sack?
Youíd know before I would.
David likes boys Ted, heís one of my best friends.† Although he did say that you were cute, but a little too disheveled in his opinion.
So except for the whole name thing, that really was a big misunderstanding?
Ya, it seems so.† And I really am sorry about the whole April/Nancy thing.. it just got more awkward to tell you as time went on.
Well.. thatís ok, you look more like a
What do you mean by that?
I think it has something to do with that cute bottom lip of yours.
Oh, you think so huh?
Yep.. I think so.† And you know what else?
Iíve missed you.
How about we go get a frosted sugar cookie together and start over again?
<sizing him up> Ok, but this time, donít wait forever to kiss me.
Hey, it was you who kissed me, buster.
And donít you forget it.