Chinatown NYC

Late Fall

8:30PM

Streetlights

 

NANCY

Excuse me, do you know how to get to Mott Street?

 

TED

Maybe.

 

NANCY

(incredulously) What do you mean ďmaybeĒ? I could have said that ďmaybeĒ you know the answer! I asked you to find out for sure.

 

TED

Well then, yes, I do.But Iíve got to know why you want to know.

 

NANCY

I donít Ďwant to knowí, I need to know!Iíve got a date and Iím late.

 

TED

A date huh?A first date perhaps?

 

NANCY

Itís none of your business, but it happens to be, yes.

 

TED

I can tell.

 

NANCY

How?

 

TED

The nerves and impeccable polish.Youíre all dolled up.

 

NANCY

Maybe Iím always dolled up.

 

TED

And maybe you always lie through your teeth.

 

NANCY

You donít even know me, and all ready youíre concluding Iím a liar?

 

TED

Are you a woman?

 

NANCY

I think you know the answer to that one

 

TED

Then I know Iím right.

 

 

NANCY

<gasp>

 

TED

Joke, just a joke. Iím sure you look this good all the time.By the way, Iím Ted.(offers hand)

 

NANCY

(shaking hands) April.

 

TED

Nice to meet you April. OK, so the promised directions. You see that bright yellow sign down there a couple of blocks? Takeright, Mott is the second street on your left.

 

NANCY

Thanks.

 

(awkward pause)

 

TED

You better run, donít want to deny him even a minute of your company.

 

NANCY

Right. OK.. well it was a pleasure to meet you Ted. See you around.

 

TED

See ya.

 

(as they walk away in opposite directions, first NANCY looks back at TED and away, just as TED tries to sneak another look at NANCY)

 

NANCY

(yells) Hey Ted! Who ever said it was a Ďhimí?<smiles>

   

 

 

Coffee shop

The following week

NANCY is standing in line

TED walks in, gets in line, recognizes her

 

TED

April?

 

<no response>

TED

(tapping her shoulder) April.

 

NANCY

(turns, and take .5 second to catch up)Oh hi, umm.. (stalls, knowing full well his name)

 

TED

Ted.

 

NANCY

Of course, Ted, Iím sorry.

 

TED

Sooo..How did the date go?

 

NANCY

Oh, well thatís a story

 

TED

Well spill, sister.

 

NANCY

Do you want the long or the short of it?(NANCY is now at the register and orders her coffee, TED orders a hot cider and pays before NANCY can get out her wallet, she gives him a snide look)

 

TED

How about the medium.. or what do they call it here, grande?

 

NANCY

No, no, no, long or short, there is no medium. All experiences are better either short or long. Medium is for wussies or runners.

 

TED

Wussies or runners?

 

NANCY

Ya.. you know, wussies are wimps and runners are people who pretend to want, or think they want the long version of something, but the minute they think theyíll actually get it..poof!Like Michael Johnson in Atlanta Ď96, except usually theyíre not wearing gold sneakers.

 

TED

Ah.. Got ya.Well.. (looks at watch) Iíve got 15 minutes before Iíve got to get back, how about the long version?

 

NANCY

Good choice. (as they pick up their drinks and head to a table)

 

So he was nice enough. Polite, didnít seem to hold my tardiness against me. Cute, in that ďIím not into clothes, but I have my gay friend go shopping with me so I donít look like an idiotĒ way. And funny. Dry, cynical, with just the right hint of vermouth.

 

TED

ButÖ

 

NANCY

I feel really shallow saying thisÖ

 

TED

(kid like) Ooooo..(then very serious) <clears throat> I mean, go ahead.

 

NANCY

Well, he had a really weak handshake. It was a cross between and dead fish and a beagle.

 

TED

Yikes, yah, that does sound bad.

 

NANCY

Youíre laughing at me.

 

TED

No, not at all, I think that handshake quality is a very important indicator.A litmus test of how someone views their place in the world. Whether theyíre waiting for the world to come to them, or whether theyíre walking up to the world and saying, ďHi world, Iíve heard all about you. Iím so and soĒ

 

NANCY

OK, now Iím definitely laughing at YOU.

 

TED

Iím sure I deserve it, for more reasons that you know. But this conversation isnít about me, back to this guy.So his handshake killed the deal?

 

 

NANCY

Well, then he had one glint of a scary stalker man moment. It was probably nothing, but he said he had left his briefcase at work and wondered if we couldnít stop by the office and pick it up after dinner

 

TED

Oh boy.Iíve got to remember that line, thatís a good one.April, tell me you didnít fall for it!

 

NANCY

At the time I didnít think anything of it, so we go up in the elevator, he gets the bag, and weíre on our way down. Heís looking at me and says ďthose are beautiful earringsĒ

 

TED

See, I told you you were dolled up.

 

NANCY

Whatever. <smiles>But then he says, ďSorry, you probably thought that I was staring at you, but I was looking at your earrings. Not that youíre not worth starring at, youíre very beautiful actually. If thatís ok for me to say at this pointĒ

 

TED

ďThis pointĒ? What the hell does that mean?

 

NANCY

Thatís what I was thinking!

 

TED

You give the compliment and then leave it at that. Donít qualify it or ask permission.

 

NANCY

Right!Kinda proves your theory and mine.

 

TED

Howís that?

 

NANCY

Well a qualified compliment is sort of like a medium compliment. Would have been better and bigger if he let it stand on itís own as a large.Hence my theory, and as for your theory, weak handshake Ė crippled compliment. Thinks his actions need an explanation, as if they canít stand on their own.Get some guts already! If I had a dime for every time a guy blew his chance toÖ

 

TED

<cutting her off> April, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

 

Restaurant interior, two at a table.

fairly dark, tea lights on the table

 

NANCY

Nice restaurant, good choice.

 

TED

How do you mean?

 

NANCY

Canít you just take a compliment?

 

TED

Of course, thank you. Now, how do you mean?

 

NANCY

Well, I mean that itís nice without being showy. Homey without being hokey.

 

TED

Oh, well then I will take that as a compliment.Do you always analyze everything?

 

NANCY

I tend to. I think a wise person once said, ďlook for meaning in everything in lifeĒ.

 

TED

Who was that?

 

NANCY

Me.

 

TED

Cute, real cute.Youíre like Buddha with a nice butt.

 

NANCY

You sure do know how to compliment a woman.

 

 

 

strolling on Central Park Promenade

 

TED

Look at how the light hits those buildings at just the right angle this time of day.. makes them look like theyíre glowing from inside.

 

NANCY

Ted?

 

TED

Yep?.

 

NANCY

Any specific reason that you havenít tried to kiss me yet?

 

TED

Well.. Iíve been waiting for just the right moment with you.Figured Iíd know it when it came.

 

NANCY

Why?

 

TED

You seem worth the wait.But I have to admit that Iím getting a little worried that waiting this long has raised my expectations to a level that Iím not sure we can reach?

 

NANCY

Why do you say that?

 

TED

Iím not sure that any one could kiss that well

 

NANCY

No faith, Ted.No faith.And what if we were that good?

 

TED

Well, Iíd say that Iíd need to find a way to make money kissing you, because thereís no way Iíd ever get my work done with you around.

 

NANCY

Only one way to find out.

 

<NANCY spins on her right foot,

grabs TEDís head and kisses him softly>

 

<after a moments pause>

 

TED

Ya, what if we made a living by giving kissing lessons, sort of a kissing seminar type thing..<NANCY pulls him off stage by his scarf, TEDís voice trails off>We could travel the country and book convention centers like Tony RobbinsÖ I can see the infomercial now..ďsimilar super cute couples ply their kissing technique for $99, but you wonít pay, $99, $89, or even $79!For just 3 easy payments ofÖ

 

 

 

 

3 weeks later, in bed.

 

TED

How do you know that youíve found the right person

 

NANCY

Hmm?

 

TED

Oh, you heard me.. I mean, how do you know when to take the leap?

 

NANCY

The leap?

 

TED

Ya, really put your heart into a relationshipÖ literally.And then see where it leads.

 

NANCY

Why not just do that right from the beginning?Life is short and all thatÖ

 

TED

I guess, but the fear of pain is pretty scary too.. youíre right though, until you put emotional weight on the other person.. the only thing you really know for sure is their name. <chuckles>

 

NANCY

Umm.. ya..Uh.. Ted?

 

TED

Yes, April?

 

NANCY

Nothing.

 

TED

What do you say you and I give it a shot?I mean really make a run of it?

 

NANCY

Glad to see you hopping on the bus Iíve been on since the night we met.

 

TED

Puleez, who do you thinkís been driving that bus. <smiles>

 

NANCY

Well, then itís settled.Sign me up.OK.. so whatís the first step in this new direction?

 

 

TED

First, I think we need to buy two new toothbrushes. One here for you here, and one for me at your place.

 

NANCY

Check!

 

TED

Then I think itís just a matter of doing what weíve been doing.Speaking of which, letís get back to doing what we were doing.

 

NANCY

Youíre such a romantic. I thought youíd never ask.

 

<NANCY rolls over and kisses TED>

 

 

TED and his best friend from college HEATHER

walking on Broadway on the upper west side

 

HEATHER

So who is this mystery girl?

 

TED

Well, her name is April and I met her on the street in Chinatown a few weeks ago. She was asking me for directions actually, she was late for a date and I was giving her a hard time about it.

 

HEATHER

You asked her out while she was on her way to date with another guy?

 

TED

No! I saw her a few days later at Starbucks and it happened there after a little more witty banter.She and I do a lot of that.

 

HEATHER

Cute?

 

TED

God yes, <kidding> but not as cute as you back in the day

 

<TED puts his arm around HEATHER>

 

HEATHER

You sure do know how to compliment a woman

 

TED

You know me.. <kidding> always the playaí.

 

 

 

 

Simultaneously

NANCY and her gay friend DAVID

in a bookstore on the same block

 

DAVID

You read this yet? <holding up a book from the table>

 

NANCY

Umm.. ya.. but youíre better off reading his last book, same type of thing, more concise.

 

<TED with arm around HEATHER strolls by the window>

NANCY

<gasp>

 

DAVID

What?

 

NANCY

That was Ted.

 

DAVID

Where?

 

NANCY

He just walked by the window with his arm around some girl!

 

DAVID

Youíre kidding right?

 

NANCY

Nope.

 

DAVID

Wow, what an asshole.Two timing on someone as hot as you?That shit ainít right.Iíd stop taking his calls.

 

NANCY

Really?

 

DAVID

Hell ya, what?You think itís his cousin or something?No way! That guys a player. I knew it from day one.

 

NANCY

Youíre probably totally right.Ughh.. god, this sucks.I was just starting to really put my hopes on this one. Shit.

 

 

 

 

Next Day

 

TED <on cell phone>

Hello dollface, just calling to see what youíre up to and see if you wanted to have dinner later..give me a call

 

 

6 hours later

 

TED <on cell phone>

<kidding around> hey? what?Donít call me back anymore?Or answer youíre phone apparently.. okÖ call me.

 

Late the next day

 

TED <on cell phone>

<low serious voice> This is Tom Johnson from New York City emergency response calling to make sure youíre still alive. Please respond at your earliest possible convenience.Thank you.

 

The following morning

 

TED <on cell phone>

OK, now youíre scaring me.Seriously, call me back and let me know youíre alive.

 

 

NANCY and DAVID are having lunch at an outside restaurant

DAVID is in the restroom

TED is walking down the street, sees her

 

TED

Hey! Where the hell have you been? Iíve been looking all over for you!

 

NANCY

Hi Ted.Iíve been busy.

 

TED

Busy?Iíve left you at least 4-5 voicemails, why didnít you call me back?

 

NANCY

Oh did you?I hadnít noticed that you called.

 

<DAVID walks back from the bathroom>

 

TED

Hadnít noticed?! April, youíve had me worried!

 

 

DAVID

Whoís April?

 

NANCY

Who are you?

 

DAVID

Iím David, you must be Ted.

 

TED (to NANCY)

Who is this guy?

 

NANCY

Not really any of your business is it?

 

TED

April, youíre not making any sense

 

DAVID

Whoís April

 

TED

Sheís April

 

DAVID

Nancy? What the hell is he talking about?

 

TED

Whoís Nancy

 

NANCY

I am.

 

TED <shaking his head>

Huh?

 

NANCY

My name is Nancy, not April. I was worried about giving my name to a complete stranger when we met, and I just havenít gotten around to fixing the misunderstanding.

 

TED

Misunderstanding?So now I really know nothing about you. I didnít even know your real name!

 

NANCY

Ya? Well I didnít know that you had other girls on the side. Each of them have a toothbrush at your place too?

 

TED

What are you talking about?

 

NANCY

I saw you all cozy with some other girl a few days ago. So why donít you just go to hell.

 

TED

You know what? Fine. Nancy.Had I know you were this crazy I wouldnít have tapped you on the shoulder that day.

 

<TED walks briskly away>

 

NANCY
<sigh> This sucks.

 

DAVID

Ya.. but youíre better off.Two timing loser.

 

 

 

Christmas party

The next year

 

NANCY <taps TED on shoulder>

Hi Ted

 

TED

April, I mean..<stalls knowing full well her name> Nancy.What are you doing here?

 

NANCY

My friend Judy is friends with the host, Betty.You?

 

TED

I used to work with Betty.

 

NANCY

Ahh..

 

TED

Ahh indeed.

 

<awkward silence>

 

NANCY

So how have you been?

 

TED

Good.You know, busy. Working and stuff.

 

NANCY

Sure, stuff.. all those women and everything.

 

 

TED

Ya, about that? Iím not sure how you ever got that idea.

 

NANCY

Oh come on Ted, you had your arm around some brunette.

 

TED <just realizing>

Ohhhh!!!That was Heather.

 

NANCY

See.. told ya

 

TED

No!! Sheís an old friend from college I hadnít seen in years, she was in town for a conference.THATís who you thought I was messing around with?

 

NANCY

UmmÖ <weakly>yes?

 

TED

No, no, no.How about that David guy? Good in the sack?

 

NANCY

Youíd know before I would.

 

TED

<Ēhuh?Ē Look>

 

NANCY

David likes boys Ted, heís one of my best friends.Although he did say that you were cute, but a little too disheveled in his opinion.

 

TED

So except for the whole name thing, that really was a big misunderstanding?

 

NANCY

Ya, it seems so.And I really am sorry about the whole April/Nancy thing.. it just got more awkward to tell you as time went on.

 

TED

Well.. thatís ok, you look more like a ĎNancyí anyways

 

NANCY

What do you mean by that?

 

 

 

TED

I think it has something to do with that cute bottom lip of yours.

 

NANCY

Oh, you think so huh?

 

TED

Yep.. I think so.And you know what else?

 

NANCY

Whatís that?

 

TED

Iíve missed you.

 

NANCY

Me too.

 

TED

How about we go get a frosted sugar cookie together and start over again?

 

NANCY

<sizing him up> Ok, but this time, donít wait forever to kiss me.

 

TED

Hey, it was you who kissed me, buster.

 

NANCY

And donít you forget it.

 

<the end>