Week 27: The Manual
Congratulations on your purchase of a Bill Wadman™. With proper care, he’ll provide you with a lifetime of service and productivity. In order to get you acquainted with your Bill Wadman™ , we’ve developed this owners manual. Please take the time to read it thoroughly before operating.
Bill Wadman™ is capable of a number of conventional and unconventional tasks for you. His skills include, but are not limited to,
Bill Wadman™ likes to attempt new challenges, so don’t be afraid to test his limits. Especially if the task is creativity related.
To control your Bill Wadman™, get his attention and speak commands to him verbally. If he understood you, he’ll usually reply with an “OK” or just begin the task. If he says, “That’s interesting.”, he probably wasn’t listening, so try repeating yourself and see if he notices. If all else fails, stand between him and his computer for best results.
Bill Wadman™ may also be controlled via email, telephone, SMS, and AIM or MSN instant messaging clients. Each of these may be more effective at different times. Experiment for best results.
While he can multitask well, too many tasks (depending on stress level) can cause frustration, bad attitude, and lack of performance on all tasks at hand.
Care and Feeding
First off, Bill Wadman™ requires at least 8 hours of sleep each night, and works best with an additional 1 hour nap in the mid to late afternoon. For short runs, he may operate on less, but too little sleep for too long will ultimately result in loss of productivity.
For best results, set your Bill Wadman™ to task in the evening so that he works into the late hours. His best work is generally done between 10PM and 2AM. Our engineers believe this is due to the lack of secondary evidence of time passing (sun moving through the sky, traffic noise, phone calls, etc)
Bill Wadman™ is best cleaned with a combination of soap and water on this body (Irish Spring Fresh scent is recommended) and Cetophil cleanser for this face. Gillette Mach 3 razors and Aveda shaving cream.
Bill Wadman™ requires a constant supply of Coca Cola and rather bland food. (Note that while more expensive or fancy foods may fuel Bill Wadman™ , they will not lead to improved performance.) Some of his favorites are hamburgers, pizza, pancakes, scambled eggs, fried chicken, tuna melts, and BLT’s.
During less strenuous activities, a nice combination of cheesy pop, piano jazz, and early 20th century classical music can help maintain peak performance. As can recicitations of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (the book or radio versions), Monty Python’s The Holy Grail (first, second, and forth scenes), or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
I’ve spoken to my Bill Wadman™ , but have received no response
My Bill Wadman™ says he has a headache. What do I do?
My Bill Wadman™ is cranky. What do I do?
My Bill Wadman™ doesn’t like being around groups of drunk people.
I have set my Bill Wadman™ to compose music but he will only produce cheesy pop songs. What do I do?